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Sunday, 3 February 2013

Taking the Next Step

Taking the next step is terribly frightening, yet has that touch of exhilaration entwined.  For over ten years I went to work and put in my eight hours, everyday.  As the years blended into one after the other I found myself getting tired of waking so damn early.  At first it was 5 am for a 7 am start, but for the past 5 years 4 am was my wake up call.  My life became rote.

And because my life turned into a predictable landscape, I forgot to step into the world.  The comfort of everything being right there waiting for me to follow through was secure, easy, and eventually numbing.  That comfort changed into a subtle vise grip that was slowly choking my wunderlust.  And all the What Ifs faded into the background that should have been with me every step I took to my present moment now.  Instead it was a shadow only seen from my peripheral vision.  There but never really in focus.

My predictable life was draining who I am, who I was meant to be.  Perhaps, I had to live the way I did for this moment.   For this time when turning on my computer opened me to the world.  I guess, subconsciously I was waiting for technology to catch up with what I needed so long ago.  The freedom of sharing thoughts and emotions to strangers that may understand, even disagree with what I have to say.

Ten years ago I went to work at a job that helped pay the bills when I was starting out from University.  It was supposed to be temporary and ended up ten years later.

Now, I don't have this job anymore.  And in the span of fifteen minutes, I was given my termination papers and cleaned my work space I was done.  For ten years wearing stuffy work boots, and waking too early I said goodbye to the few people that were there, knowing I wouldn't get the chance to say goodbye to friends that came into work later.

The chain that tethered me to predictability, safety, and numbness wasn't the mediocre job I lost.  It was me.  My willingness to just be and not live.

So, I left ten years that filled my life as I stepped into my car and drove home.  I turned on my radio and drove the opposite way, speeding down the highway.  It was strange, like I was doing something wrong that I should be going in the other direction.  I turned the music louder and sang to a catchy song before I suddenly burst into tears.  I cried for a few minutes and just as suddenly as it started it was done.

I did this one other time when I finished my first novel.  I was sick to my stomach and I cried.  I was filled with unexplainable joy and deep fear and sadness.  A dream I pursued was done, finished and I didn't know what to do.

And when I drove home from my last day of work I had that same gut wrenching fear and wild exhilaration.  My predictable safety net was gone, taken from me.  And now I could fall.  But I had the chance to take that next step into me.  My second chance to build my life as I see fit.  I become the person I was meant to be.  To not only be the dreamer, but to live the life of the dream.


Gabrielle Evans said...

Wow, what a beautiful post. I'm so sorry to hear about your evil day job, but as you said, this is only the beginning.

I think a little fear and trepidation is natural, and they make the victory so much sweeter. :) So, congratulations on taking that next step! Keep me posted.

Jorja Kish said...

Thanks Gabrielle! Like you said its only the beginning and what a ride so far! :)