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Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Ain't Nothing Gonna Keep Me Down For Long

Hello everybody, I'm still here!

The past few months have been a lesson in my own humility concerning how my new life is expanding.  Since my heart attack I've had tons of new things to adjust to and to overcome.  Let me tell you a secret...

I'm stubborn.

The fact that I wanted to get up and go just a week after getting out of the hospital shows my stubborn streak, or my dumb-ass delusion.  I can only sit back and idle for so long.  However, my reality from now on it basically this.

My life is completely different than it was three months ago.

More importantly my head space is much clearer. It took me a while to actually wrap my brain around what I can and cannot do.  I can't eat sweets anymore, not like I used to.  Nooo!  But I love chocolate!!
Or no more salt in my diet.   (sniff) Bye, bye salty chips that I love to crunch while watching a movie on the couch.  And coffee...oh the horror of it!

Okay, I sound melodramatic and honestly it isn't as bad as I make it out to be.  In fact I lost ten pounds the first two weeks I came home.  Awesome, right?  Needless to say, I'm slimming down and ironically I'm looking much better now that I have a functioning heart that isn't faulty.

Yeah, that's the part that took me a while to own.  I was sick.  My heart was sick for so long that I didn't even realize how bad things were getting until the inevitable.  Now, let me tell you no one needs that kind of wake up call!

So, as afar as the physical improvements concerning my health, not to mention the mountain of pills I'm suddenly chewing (which is appalling). Some of it sucks just because I'm not used to it. I used to be a one chewable vitamin per day kind of gal.  You know that fruity ones that taste like Gummy Bears. Well, I was.  Now not so much.

The physical changes I can handle, but it's the emotional dips and curves that have been eventful.  No one ever said life was ever easy.  My emotions now are like rocket fuel. I feel so much more deeply that it's frightening, but it seems I handle it better.  It's like the negative emotions are instantly felt then drained away.  It's my body telling me to let it go.  Stress equals another heart attack.  And that's a BIG no thank you.

Now on the other hand, everything that makes me smile and fill my world with happiness and love, well holy moley its intense.  There are moments that I am literally crying because I'm so happy.  And let me tell you that I had my daughter quite concerned when we went out to the Mall one weekend.  I was practically sobbing in the car after spending such a great day with her.  She thought I was crazy and so did I.

Yeah, so the emotions now are intense.

I remember watching the commercial for the Heart and Stroke Foundation, which I donate to since my mother died of congestive heart failure.  And as I watched it, seeing all those people, from infants to seniors coming home from the hospital I was sledgehammered.

I burst into tears and sobbed, ironically grateful for being alone in the house.  It was a moment that was extremely intimate and profound on a level I never really knew existed.  I was one of those people who got to go home.  Ah man, even now I'm tearing up. Sheesh, told you about the emotional roller-coaster!

Everyday, I'm astounded at what I learn about myself.  I thought I was a strong woman before with all the tragedy in my life that I over came.  There is nothing more absolute than facing your worst fear, death.  It's very real and very final.  Scary as all get out, but also, surprisingly, freeing.

I have one life to live and it was almost cut too short.  I may not be famous.  I may not have millions in the bank (which, honestly would be fabulous). However I do have one important thing that trumps all the Life hoop-la and I wants.

I have courage.  With courage anything on this big blue planet, that is worth something, is possible. I might fall and get bruised, but now I know...ain't nothing gonna keep me down for long.

So now, I say to everyone who takes a peek at my blog, live a Life worthy of your courage.



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